


Acceptance

by Peanut_Butter_writes



Series: The Stages of Grief [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Post-Endgame, Unrequited Stucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:14:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29883042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peanut_Butter_writes/pseuds/Peanut_Butter_writes
Summary: Bucky doesn't know how to deal with Steve leaving.Part 5 of a 5 part series where I write my way through the stages of grief over Stucky's lack of ending in Endgame. None of the fics are set in the same universe.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson
Series: The Stages of Grief [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1455412
Kudos: 11





	Acceptance

**Author's Note:**

> Acceptance: Bucky learns to move on.

Bucky leaned against the rail that made a perimeter around the roof of his and Sam’s apartment building. Only a few minutes ago, he had abruptly stumbled out of their apartment in the middle of a conversation, claiming to “need air”, when really he just needed somewhere to think. Up here on the roof, with the wind blowing in his face, at least the first of his wishes could be granted. The thoughts, though - well, it was much easier _not_ to think. So he didn’t. As much as he knew he needed to, he couldn’t bring himself to do that when it was so much easier just to watch the busy New York world pass by around him. 

So many people down below. All with their own lives, ambitions, dreams. Every one of them wanted something. The light from the setting sun tinted the world oranged and glimmered off the skyscrapers around him. 

“Nice view, isn’t it?” 

Bucky gave a noncommittal grunt of acknowledgement as Sam joined him, refusing to turn away. The colours the sun painted on the sky weren’t nearly as breathtakingly vibrant as they had been in Wakanda, but nonetheless it was a sight to behold. They stood together watching soundlessly for a few minutes, but again, it was Sam who broke the silence. 

“I think there’s something you’re trying to work through, Bucky,” he began quietly. “And I think you feel alone. Hell, I would too, if I’d gone through all you have. But I want you to know that I’m pretty good at listening, and if you ever need someone to talk with or a shoulder to cry on - I’ll be there for you. Doesn’t matter when. I can help if you want me to. No judgement.” 

Bucky kept gazing out at New York. He had spent so long building up mental dams, keeping emotions he felt from showing themselves, even far before Hydra had turned him into the Winter Soldier. All his life he had had to filter what he thought inside and what he shared with the world. The idea of letting it out was alien to him. And yet, when Sam gave him an opening - a free pass to say what he’d never been able to, and a promise of no judgement…

He believed him. 

“It’s just -” he started, and sighed deeply. “He was my best friend. And I was recovering, in Wakanda, and I was doing really well - and then Thanos was there and we were trying to protect the Infinity Stones, and it was almost just like old times.” He chuckled softly. “But we weren’t able to stop Thanos, and I got Blipped, and the next thing I know is that five years have gone by and he’d learned how to go on without me. He was my best friend, you know? Ever since we were kids. And now that I was back, not only did he know how to live without me, he also wanted to. So he left. To go back with and be with Peggy. And I can’t say I blame him, because Peggy might just be the greatest woman in the world.”

“But you cared about him too,” Sam said gently. “It’s normal that you’d have mixed emotions about what Steve did.”

“Steve was the one thing that was normal to me when I started to break away from Hydra’s conditioning. He was the first normal thing I’d seen in decades.” Bucky swallowed. “And then as soon as we were back together, he was gone. He had left. And now there isn’t really anything in this world that’s normal.” 

Sam was quiet for a moment as he mulled this over. “There’s more, isn’t there?” he prompted quietly. Bucky didn’t answer. There was more, but he’d never said it out loud before. “You know you’re safe with me, right? You can tell me anything,” Sam assured him. 

Bucky took a sharp breath. He did know that he was safe with Sam, and in this world in general, but that did nothing to stop the lump in his throat. Years of habit died hard. Steeling his nerves, he finally turned his gaze away from the city skyline. “You’re right,” he said, flashing him a weak smile. “There is more.” One more breath. In. Out. In. “I was in love with him.” 

Sam nodded. “Must have been hard back then.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not like anything ever happened with it,” he replied. “Peggy and Steve really are a good match for each other but I just … I wanted it to be me. I wanted to be the one Steve spent the rest of his life with. I thought I would have had longer to confess to him. I never imagined Infinity Stones, or the idea that he could somehow go back. Or that he would go back if he could.”

“You can’t control how you feel.” 

“It’s not like there’s anything I can do now anyway. It’s all over. I guess I missed my chance.”

They were quiet for another minute. The sun was beginning to sink below the horizon and the temperature in the air had dropped by a few degrees. The breeze had stopped and the air simply hung still. Ambient noises echoed up from the streets below. Bucky felt different than he had before he told anyone how he really felt about Steve. Not lighter, because it still didn’t change anything, but freer, and a bit less alone. 

Again, Sam was the one to break the silence. “You’re grieving, Bucky. It’s normal. The future you thought you could have is out of reach now. Anyone would grieve for that loss. “

He was right. Of course he was right. Bucky already knew that. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. Everything I had been working towards, recovering in Wakanda - I finally got through it all and came out the other side and there’s nothing there for me.”

Sam pressed his lips together and looked at him sympathetically. “That’s got to be frustrating.” 

Bucky snorted. “Sure is.” 

“But you have to trust that the grief process is something that you can work through,” Sam continued. “And that once you’ve processed it all that there will be new things to look forward to in life. I promise that you will get your reward for making it through everything if you wait long enough for it.”

The words Sam was saying - they were so full of hope. Even though Bucky knew that he had a lot of experience with veterans who had witnessed horrors in the battlefield and that it wasn’t naïvety that made him say those things, he still had a hard time believing him. All his life had been a series of disappointments. He had spent his teen years in the Great Depression, he’d fought in the Second World War, he’d been captured by Hydra and experimented on, captured by Hydra again and turned into their obedient killing machine, he’d been turned into dust and brought back, and at the end of all that when things were looking up his best friend in the whole world had chosen to leave him. It wasn’t the sort of story a person would think there could be a good ending for. 

“I’m not sure I know how to process it all,” he confessed.   
Sam gave him a sad smile. “That’s okay. We can work on it together.” 

Bucky took a deep breath. There were a lot of things that happened to him in his life that he hadn’t chosen. Things that happened to him without any consideration for how he might feel about them. He had a sense that this was similar, but not the same. A part of him knew that there was only one thing to do, and that it was something he had to do. He couldn’t sit and wallow in his heartache for the rest of his life. There really was only one option, which should have meant that it was like all those other things and that he didn’t have a choice. It felt different, though. It felt like he had when he had enlisted. It was the right thing, and there was nothing else to do, and _he wanted to_. 

He nodded. 

Sam’s smile widened and he pulled Bucky into a hug. “It probably won’t be easy.”

“Nothing’s easy,” Bucky replied. _This time, though, it’s good_.


End file.
